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"Turn Down Your Lights (Where Applicable)"
Experiment #321 ~ SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)Original Air Date: December 21, 1991
Genre: Family/Fantasy/SciFi
Studio: Jalor Productions ~ (Distributed by Embassy Pictures)
Starring: Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon, Victor Stiles, Donna Conforti, Chris Month, Pia Zadora, Leila Martin
Directed By: Nicholas Webster
Theatrical Running Time: 80 Minutes
Tagline: "SANTA BRINGS CHRISTMAS FUN TO MARS!"
Film Synopsis: Martian parents Kimar (
Leonard Hicks) and Momar (
Leila Martin) are becoming increasingly concerned about their downhearted children Bomar (
Christoper Month) and Girmar (
Pia Zadora) becoming distracted from their studies due to watching Earth television programming. A Martian elder suggests that a Santa Claus (
John Call) type figure, like on Earth, could help to restore the playful, innocent wonder of the Martian children.
The Martian high council agrees to send a ship to Earth to kidnap Santa Claus, with a crew containing Kimar, Voldar (
Vincent Beck), a couple other hired thugs and a goofy stowaway named Dropo (
Bill McCutcheon), and bring Santa Claus to Mars.
Upon landing on Earth the Martians find a Santa-like character on just about every corner. But which one is the real one? The Martians abduct two Earth children, Billy (
Victor Stiles) and Betty (
Donna Conforti), who unwittingly yet quite quickly rat Santa out, and it's off to the North Pole for everyone!
After snatching the real Santa and the two children, the evil Voldar attempts to dump them out an airlock on the return trip to Mars, but his plans are foiled and upon their arrival at the Angry Red Planet, Voldar is banished for his actions.
Plotting his revenge, Voldar returns to the Santa Martian workshop and sabotages Santa's toy-making equipment. He confronts the real Santa, along with Billy, Betty, Bomar and Girmar who fend him off with toy weapons of all types.
Kimar is touched by the change in his children's spirits as well as feeling the Christmas spirit, and safely returns Santa and the children to Earth just in time for Christmas! Oh, Boy!!
Intro: Tom and Crow are "just looking at Christmas catalogs... dreamin.'' L.L.Bean, Neiman Marcus, Monkey Wards, Fischer Nut, Edmund Scientific... oooh!, Uncle Bob's Produce Ranch!! And F.A.O. Schwartz.
(Crow):"Parents, remember... kids always know best. So get them whatever they want!"
Invention Exchange: (Dr. F.): "Nothing chafes a kid's hinder more than his request for a neat toy, maligned into a safe and practical gift." Dr. F.and Frank present the 'Wish-Squisher.' Take a really cool toy, run it through the Wish-Squisher, and it comes out as practical and annoying as any gift from Aunt Vida.
Joel and the Bots present things that might be found on the Island of Misfit Toys. Buttery-sweet Toaster Dolls, Mr. Mashed Potato Head, 'Roadhouse - The Boardgame' and the E-Z Bake Foundry. "Turns ordinary pig-iron into high-grade steel!"
Host Segments:Host 1: Crow, with the help of Joel and Tom present an original holiday song, "A Patrick Swayze Christmas."
(Lyrics):
"Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in,
We'll gather at the 'Roadhouse', with our 'Next of Kin'."
"And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing,
We'll decorate a barstool, and gather 'round and sing."(Chorus):
"Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year,
or we'll tear your throat out, and kick you in the ear!"(Lyrics):
"It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my bar,
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!"
"I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till,
I think that jolly old elf had better make out his will!"(Chorus):
"Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas one and all,
and this can be the haziest...
...this can be the laziest...
...this can be the Swayziest Christmas of them aaaaallllll !!!"Crow gets a 'Time Out' from Joel.
Host 2: Joel tricks Frank into sending the 'SOL' some classic holiday movies. 'Grinch who Stole Christmas', 'Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol', 'Frosty the Snowman', 'Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer', 'It's a Wonderful Life' (the lame Marlo Thomas one), 'Miracle on 34th Street' (the lame David Hartman one)... and it just gets worse from there..., 'The Christmas that Totally Ruled', 'The Christmas that Wasn't that Bad' and 'The Christmas that Really Kicked ***!'.
Host 3: Joel and the Bots read their Christmas essays. Crow rants aginst Santa's elves, urging them to come out of the dark ages, Joel reminisces on Christmas' past, (namely 70's Christmas Office Parties) "where a fully stocked bar would be considered 'standard office furniture', and an office party would be looked at as something out of a Playboy cartoon. The desks would be overflowing with every kind of hard liquor... why, there were gallons of vodka, bourbon, gin, scotch, galliano, amaretto, midori, German crock-pot gin and sexism was blantant. Boy, you'd find salesmen groping secretaries in the mail-room... keys would be exchanged...and although this was Christmas, Jesus was nowhere to be seen".
Tom presents his essay titled "A Child's Christmas in Space".
(
Tom): "It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and bible black. And as I look down on the big blue bean we would call home, I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon
us".
"Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight, because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy".
"Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship".
"Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the porthole, offering me a Coke and a smile"...
"Of course, his cheeks
would be rosy because it's a
vacuum out there! I mean, Santa's heart would
EXPLODE! But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would
pop like little firecrackers due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY"!!
"And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER!! OH, THE REINDEER!!!... keep floating like holiday floats and in turn,
exploding in a
hail of blood and entrails"!!!
"Prancer ~ BOOM"! --- "Dancer ~ BOOM"!...
End: Joel and the Bots sing "Angels We Have Heard
Are High." Everyone receives their Christmas stockings stuffed with gifts. Joel reads a fan letter. The Mads exchange their Christmas gifts to each other.
Stinger: Voldar's annoying, demonic laughter.
Items of Note:~ Through the entire show, Tom's head is a beautiful snow globe, replete with Santa and reindeer.
~ Crow wears a bright red Rudolph nose all the way through as well.
~ The film has no title card.
~ All the Martian uniforms have numbers on them. Almost like a sports jersey.
Personal Notes:~ One actual cool thing, an abundance of classic toys by Marx toy company.
~ In Crow's Christmas essay, he makes a reference to "elves loading circuit boards into a 'SegaVision'" platform. SegaVision!? OMG!
~ Gypsy in honor of the holiday season, displays a proper manger scene in 'Host 3'... in her
MOUTH!
~ Look for a pre-pubescent Pia Zadora as one of the Martian children, before she took the noble path to 1980's soft ****.
~ KIMAR? (King Martian?). MOMAR? (Mom Martian?). BOMAR? (Boy Martian?). I think you get the idea.
~ So where does that leave DROPO?!
The 'Riffs':~
(Tom): "You know, Elf tastes just like chicken!"
~
(Crow): "Hey, it's the robot who walked from Hawaii to 'Gilligan's Island'!"
~
(Crow): "Pills for dinner?! What are we, Judy Garland?!"
~
(Tom): "So... what's in the pipe Santa"?
~
(Voldar): "All this trouble for a fat little man in a red suit"! (
Tom): "Truman Capote'?!
~
(Joel): "These are like
cheap versions of the '
Lost in Space sets"!
Pop culture references ranging from Clutch Cargo, Soul Train, C. Everett Koop and 'Twin Peaks' to the Ritz Brothers, 'The Ghost and Mr. Chicken' and Ed Grimley. The host segments combined with the film make this
'Must See TV' every Christmas holiday season. Not perfect, but pretty darn exceptional.
Rating: 4-1/2 'Jolly Old Elves' out of 5.
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